life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
