How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
