This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
sex in a hospital.. check
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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