I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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