I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
