Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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