she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
