i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
