Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
