True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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