I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
