This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
