either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
