i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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