The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
