The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
