His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
