Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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