theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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