i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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