I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
