News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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