dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
