I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
