she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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