i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
