I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
