I got chris browned last night
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Enjoy the penises
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
