hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
