I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
