He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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