I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
