I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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