Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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