Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
