this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
