Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
