if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
