I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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