I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
