i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
