Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
