does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
