you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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