cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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