Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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