I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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