Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
