Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
