So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
